Sarcasm Bites

It was the kitty that put me over the edge. Not that I wasn’t already about to throw myself over at the slightest provocation, but seriously people—½ million of you following Socks, as in, the cat, on Twitter? Look, I get that daily life can get kinda, well, daily, but let’s be honest, you’re a short nap away from walking into an abyss that has no Exit door.

Oh, look! It sleeps, too!

Yes, the economy is a tad sadistic these days, hurting people who had little, if any, hand in creating the whole mess. But by the time you’re openly pursuing Socks’ insanely boring existence, your virtual self has been wandering around unshowered for weeks, shuffling her slippers through Twitter and Facebook, having animated verbal skirmishes with banner ads.

Look, it happens, we all have our rough spots. But take it from someone who forgoes Socks’ and Ashton Kutcher’s inane Tweets for, gee, I don’t know, meeting deadlines, walking the dog, even, hell, shopping for groceries—it is time to GET A GRIP.

It’s basic human psychology—where your fascination with Socks thrives, your self-respect dies a slow and gruesome death. And be real—it hurts, doesn’t it?

“But what about the 499,999 others?” you ask. “They can’t all be pathetic,” you add. Look, I hear ya, I didn’t see this thing coming either, but it’s here, it’s real, and it’s the saddest surrender to life’s curve balls that I’ve ever seen.

Don’t kid yourself—the entire CNN newsroom was smirking when they posted the so-called “story” about your obsessive penchant for the virtual reality of a feline.

But let’s try not to think about that, k? All you need to know is that now—as in right now—it’s time for you to do what your inner voice has been pleading for all along.

So go ahead, take those plants out of the bathtub. Let’s just all admit that you need water way more than they do. Yes, I know how you feel about them, but they’ll be fine. Trust me, there’s this thing called a watering can, and with a little more time away from your computer screen, you’ll be more than able to handle it. What’s more? The miracle of sunlight could befall them, and, if you play your cards right, maybe even you, too.

Now, see if the shower’s still working, because really, standing in a pile of dirt while showering? Not so much. Next, open a new bar of soap because let’s be serious, that bark-like sphere lost its soap creds months ago. And finally, yes, climb in. When that new soap meets water and your skin at the same time, by all means, scrub your little heart out.

It may sound daunting at first, but it’ll be like a rebirth, and you’ll be amazed at how good you feel. There is, after all, a whole world out there. And hey, have you heard? They did this craaazy upgrade a while back. Sure, Web 2.0 is in color and dynamic, but World 1.0 is also in three dimensions, uses all five senses, and never needs recharging.

And to think, I won’t even smell you coming.