Sarcasm Bites

It’s that single-serving Saturday morning when I get to sip strong coffee in bed while diving into a fresh pile of unread magazines. I’m awake, but in a joyful trance that blocks out pesky irritations like cell phones, calendar reminders, not to mention the dog’s untimely cry for a walk (spouses should be useful for something, no?)

Flipping through my first magazine, I come across a health & nutrition column written by a well-known MD. One inquiring, if a tad obsessive, reader asks if there are nutritional benefits gained from eating green bananas, as opposed to riper yellow ones.

The doc answers her question by elaborating on the minuscule variations in vitamins and minerals in each stage of ripeness. He comes to the obvious conclusion that bananas, indeed all fruit, make for excellent food choices, regardless of hue and maturation.

Then he has the gaul to congratulate her on her healthy habits.

And just like that, my Zen morning is over.

Gee, thanks for the textbook detail doc, but way to completely ignore the issue!? I mean, what ever happened to choosing your food by taste?

Because let’s be serious, NO sane person with functional taste buds wavers in the green vs. yellow vs. yellowish brown debate. You either retch at the site of green bananas, or you lunge at them like a whore to the crack pipe.

With bananas, you choose your side young and bare witness to your fate, whatever the consequences.

No offense doc, but all that science is drowning your brain. You’ve forgotten the guiding principle we call Human Nature.

Sit back and I’ll enlighten you, k?

Truth is, humans don’t ignore something as essentially homo sapien as their taste buds unless they’re in intense distress.

And given that little Miss Banana Bicurious is ignoring her own taste preferences, she’s either:

A. In the nut house, slipping her doctor-prescribed “sanity” pills to her pet rat while hallucinating about multi-hued bananas

OR…

B. So obsessed with being “healthy” she hasn’t enjoyed a single bite in a decade or more

Which means, in the unlikely event your fun bag of a banana lover is legally sane, she’s—at best—a human trying to be the world’s healthiest robot. Face it, she’s hosed—and you’re all, “bravo, nut job—keep it up!”

It’s no good, doc. Next time try something like this:

People who ENJOY the many tastes in a healthy diet are far more likely to stick with their healthy choices over the long haul, thus reaping the most health benefits. So be sensible, and eat the banana that tastes best to you.

And doc, if you don’t mind, I’d like add a quick personal note:

Dear Miss Banana Bicurious,

You really must R-E-L-A-X. It’s thanks to freaks like you that unhealthy people think “healthy diet” means “prison term.” So stop all this nonsense about green bananas—seriously now, crunchy and slimy in the same bite? That makes starvation sound appetizing. So get a grip, and have some fun… but somewhere else, k? Cuz you’re boring us to death.