Sarcasm Bites

Sit down. We need to talk. This call waiting thing has GOT to stop.

Honestly, expecting friends, colleagues and family, all of whom are as busy as you are, to listen to dead air while you tend to your imaginary popularity? Does it get any ruder than that?

Oh, and by the way, I know you were talking to telemarketers. You gave that away with your annoyed tone and dismissive, “sorry, it was… nothing.”

But as maddening as it is, waiting for you to answer all those survey questions, I am learning a lot about you. Sure, you’re self-centered—everyone knows that. But what’s really interesting is that that you’re so careless with money.

And in 2009, there simply is no juicier gossip than money mismanagement. I mean, haven’t you heard? Sleeping with your married boss is nothing compared with buying Starbucks every morning.

Confused? Of course you are.

Next time you get a moment away from your fictitious celebrity, glance at your phone bill. Note the monthly fee for voicemail. You remember what that is, right? Goes something like, Hi, it’s Suzie, and I’m away from my phone right now, so blahblah… beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Look, I know this sounds condescending, but it’s obvious from your inane call waiting addiction that I need to spell this out for you.

You see, the whole reason you pay for voicemail is that it catches your calls when you’re say, in the shower, or, I don’t know, ON THE PHONE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

Is this starting to make sense?

What’s saddens me is that you’re so irresponsible with your hard-earned dollars that you pay a voicemail fee plus a second fee for call waiting when all you need is voicemail.

Look, I’m trying to pretend not to judge you, but the fact is, you’re a financial shipwreck. While you’re at it, why not buy an American car, “forget” to pay your taxes, and then deposit all that money at yet another troubled bank? It’s hopeless, so why pretend, right?

But don’t feel rushed or anything. I’m still hanging out on your other line, hoping you can charm the pants off that telemarketer before my next conference call starts.